He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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