he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
