im about as happy as oj after his trial
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
