My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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