DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
