my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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