My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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