Michael Bay diarrhea
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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