i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am one with the molecules
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
