that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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