Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
