Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
