Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
