I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
