my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
