Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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