i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
