He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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