these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
pray to the hookup gods
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
