You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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