god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
