Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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