i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
