i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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