I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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