it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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