I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
people are starting to question the shark bite story
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
