it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
