never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
