When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
