i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
