I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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