dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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