At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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