Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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