I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
