I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
