when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
