i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
