just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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