Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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