im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
