Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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