someone threw a dead crab at me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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