you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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