allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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