I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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