I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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