then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize