One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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