How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
