I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
