I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
