so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
