Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
