8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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