now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
