i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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