Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
