he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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