You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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