I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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