Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
