i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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