Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
