tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
