Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
